Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
