You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I wanna passion pit in your ass
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
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Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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