you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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