About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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