oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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