He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
