I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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