i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
