one two three fourrrrnication!
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
