Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you traded sex for a burrito?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
