Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
