I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We were destined to go to rehab together
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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