batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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