The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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