What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
