I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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