I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
