Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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