It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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