Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
