I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
