Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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