im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
