There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It's rum buckets o'clock
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
