I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
