Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
