i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
