Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
