does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
