So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
