New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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