If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
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