God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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