I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
