Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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