Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
