ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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