so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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