Pants 0. Shit 1.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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