I can tuck mytits in my pants
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
