I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
