is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
