Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We were destined to go to rehab together
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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