remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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