The maid of honor just puked.
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
