His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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