so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
