Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
