She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
