Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
There's always time for handjobs
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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