Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
