The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
two words...techno handjob
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
