I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
