so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
