I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
