i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
