my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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